YES AND NO
(The following sermon was preached by Pastor Barbara Melosh on September 28th, 2008.)
“What do you think? A man had two sons; he went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work in the vineyard today.’ He answered, ‘I will not’; but later he changed his mind and went. The father went to the second and said the same; and he answered, ‘I go, sir, but he did not go. Which of the two did the will of his father?” -- Matthew 21:28-31a
The chief priests and elders were quick to answer, “the first.”
What do you think?
Over the years, there have been many answers to that question. If you think that the answer is obvious -- the first son -- then here’s something that may surprise you. In some early manuscripts of Matthew, this story had a different twist. When Jesus asked, “which one did the will of the father?” the chief priests and elders answered, “the second.” The second? The one who said yes and didn’t show up?
How could that be? Well, in that culture, with its strong ethos of honor and shame, it would have been almost unthinkable for a son to refuse his father’s request. And when you think about it, it still is pretty offensive. I remember when I was growing up. When my mother went back to work, my responsibilities increased a little. A couple times a week, she would ask me, “Would you start dinner and set the table?” Sometimes I said, “Sure, Mom!” and sometimes I said, “Oh, all right.” Once in a while I protested, ‘Oh, Mom, do I have to? I’ve got a headache and a stomachache and a test tomorrow and an hour of homework just in history!” But I never said “No,” and not because I didn’t want to sometimes…it just wasn’t a possible answer.
But here’s this son, whose father needs him to work in the family vineyard. The grapes are ripe, heavy on the vines, and ready for harvest; this work needs to be done now. In the parable, did you notice, the father doesn’t even ask. He TELLS the son, “Go work in the vineyard today.” Yet the son just says no??? For some people in Jesus’ time, that was just as bad—or maybe worse—than saying yes and not doing it. At least then the father wouldn’t have been humiliated by a direct refusal.
What do you think?
This week, my clergy bible study started like it always does. We read the story from Matthew twice. Then one of my colleagues opened the discussion by asking the rest of us, “So where do you find yourself in this story? Are you the first son or the second son?”
A long silence followed. Then someone said, “Well, it depends.” And others agreed, remembering times when we’ve said no and showed up anyway; or said yes and not showed up. If we’re honest, I think most of us would have to admit we’ve done both of those things, maybe more often than we want to remember. But nobody in the group was ready to say they were like either one of these sons most of the time—people who very often said no and then did show up, or people who said yes and then didn’t.
And no wonder. Both of these sons lacked integrity. And no one wants to think of himself as a person without integrity.
Integrity means that you do what you say you will do. It means you are who you say you are.
Two words, used faithfully and honestly, are the key to living a life of integrity. Those words are “no” and “yes”. Learning to use them well is essential to our life together and to a life lived faithfully in relationship to God.
Jesus’ story shows us what happens when we say no or yes without integrity.
The first son’s “no” dishonors his father and refuses the responsibility that is part of living in relationship. Why does he refuse? In a way, that’s easy to answer. One thoughtful writer observes, “Every yes brings with it new responsibilities, new tasks.” And “yes” takes us into new and unknown territory, for “every yes calls up the unsettling potential of change in our lives.”[1] The son chooses the safety of no. And at least there is some honesty here--the father knows he can’t depend on this son; bitter as this knowledge is, he can do what he has to do—turn to someone else for help. But the first son’s “no” is not the response of a person with integrity. It’s a “no” that serves the son’s own needs—to preserve his own freedom of action by avoiding commitment; to live for himself instead of in relationship to his father.
The second son’s “yes” also lacks integrity, in more obvious ways. He doesn’t do what he says he will do. The result could have been disaster—the ruin of much of the harvest. The first son does turn up, so that doesn’t happen. But the second son’s broken promise still lies between him and the father. And the second son himself is hurt by what he has done, because when you don’t do what you say you will, you become less than you are meant to be, diminished in the sight of others and in your own eyes.
So what has happened between saying yes and not showing up? Maybe the second son said yes too fast, without thinking about his other commitments. Maybe he said yes, and changed his mind later. Maybe he never meant to go, but didn’t want to say no to his father’s face. Maybe he always said yes, trying to please everybody.
If Jesus were to tell this story today, maybe he would add a third son. When his father ordered him to show up and help in the family business, this son deleted his e-mails and didn’t reply to his phone messages. When the father came knocking at his door, the son said, “Oh, yeah, sorry about that, Dad. I’ll get back to you on it,” but then he didn’t. This kind of person won’t commit to a yes or a no, so you never know where you stand. But you do know one thing: you can’t count on this guy. And maybe that’s the way he wants it. People like this may seem to get an easy ride, because while they’re stalling around someone else steps up, and after a few rounds of this frustrating game of avoidance, most people around the third son stop asking him to do anything. But there’s a high cost to this son’s choices too, and not only in broken relationships. Worse yet is the loss of self-respect, the undeveloped potential, and the erosion of spirit that are the consequences of an uncommitted life.
A life of integrity, lived in relationship to others and to God, requires both the faithful and discerning “no” and the “yes” offered in freedom and clarity. Consider your own yes and no with all the seriousness they deserve, for those choices name who you really are and shape who you will become.
Who are you, and whose are you? These are the deep questions of a life lived authentically and faithfully—a life of integrity. May your own yes and no be the marks of a cross-shaped life—the joyful response of one marked by that cross and claimed by Christ forever. May your yes and no shape you ever more clearly and fully into who you are meant to be, made to love and serve God and neighbor. May you know the wholeness of a life of integrity, lived in joyful relationship to the father—the “God who is at work in you, enabling you both to will and to work for his good pleasure.” (Philippians 2:13)
[1] M. Shwn Copeland, “Saying Yes and Saying No,” in Dorothy Bass, ed., Practicing Our Faith, p. 66.